I hardly remember the overwhelming need to scream, jaw clenched, body flaming, control fading like you faded from our lives

Feeling like coming apart at the seams because of a few words or a conversation that you shouldn’t have had and I shouldn’t have seen

In the beginning my temper was worse than yours, flung remotes, broken frames, cried out heartbrokenly awful names

I hardly remember that, somehow, the tide changed and wrists made for throwing were clamped by hands made for restraining, holding, and I struggled with all the passions within me

Those hands began to break doors and punch walls, one passion dulled while the other roared and when I stopped struggling, and yelling was when you were at your worst

I hardly remember that a person who goes from hot and intense to cold and uncaring seemed to bother you a lot more than anything else I had ever done

Now it was just you screaming and breaking things that we owned, and me accepting it, riding it out and soothing the screaming crying life we had created together

I hardly remember how many times I locked us in a room until you slammed the front door, or how many times I threatened to call the police or leave you

When you broke my phone or blocked me from leaving the house, I hardly remembered that we were supposed to be in love

I hardly remember conversations with my friends, when I still had friends, telling me how much they envied the love we had and yearned for something like it

I was closed mouthed and lied through my teeth to people I loved that I was happy and warm and utterly in love, I really was in love

Health risking, life consuming, willing to give up everything, even though you didn’t ask me to, in love

I hardly remember the lies and fights that slowly wore me down to the point where if I couldn’t leave you to make both our lives better, then I had to leave you

So that the life we created wouldn’t grow up seeing these ugly monsters we had become to each other, so that we wouldn’t set a standard impossible for her to overcome